DISTRICT OF COLUMBIA – In what critics have described as ‘blatant nepotism’, President Trump has empowered son-in-law Jared Kushner to be the person who shaves his back.
“Jared is as smart as they come, and I have no doubts he’ll do a tremendous job,” said Trump, lying on a table as Kushner stroked his back with a warm wet cloth. “He’s a Harvard man, you know.”
Democrats, initially confused, are now in an uproar over this latest addition to Kushner’s seemingly endless list of high-profile jobs: an appointment with no oversight from the Senate or Congress.
“This is a unique and, I imagine, taxing job,” said Democratic Senator Al Franken. “Does Mr. Kushner understand the difference between coarse and smooth hair? Does he know how to follow the grain? Neither we, nor the American people, have answers to these questions.”
Kushner, who has just made his first razor stroke and revealed a perfect stripe of pink muculent skin, has been the subject of criticism for months over his apparent lack of qualification. The opposition is now slamming the additional back time he gets with the president.
“It’s really troubling to see back grooming turned into a partisan issue,” said one anonymous White House staffer. “Even if it has been a long time since we had a president whose back needed shaving every six hours.”
Trump, not at all stifling vocal indications that he is enjoying this shave, has dismissed these claims outright.
“A successful man makes sure to keep his back free of long oily hair, and gets someone he trusts to do the job,” said Trump quoting chapter 7 of his book, Art of the Deal. “So, naturally, when Ivanka passed on the opportunity, Jared was my next choice.”
At press time, a disgruntled Steve Bannon, who has recently lost ground in his feud with Kushner for the president’s ear, had staggered into the Oval Office with a 5-gallon bucket of soothing aftershave lotion.