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Local couple excited to invest time and money into pathetic garden

MONTREAL – As the seasons turn from frosty to fresh, Karen Monahan and Peter Hogeu are preparing to yet again begin work on their pitiful excuse for a .

“I love getting my hands dirty” said Ms. Monahan, who after three years of gardening has never been able to grow even a pinch of dill.

“It makes us feel connected to the earth” added Peter, a man who somehow is able to kill even the most resilient of plants.

Despite the fact that they have no talent, skill, or knowledge in horticulture, both Karen and Peter have already spent two thirds of their monthly income at their local plant market.

“It can get expensive but we’ll eventually save so much by growing our own fresh and ” Peter remarked, as he potted some strawberries that will surely wither and die within days.

Dr. Gillian Hopper, an expert in lawn-behavioral science calculated that, in the time Karen and Peter spend caring for vegetables that will certainly be eaten by squirrels, they could have learned a new language, improved their life AND worked hard enough to earn promotions at work.

In the face of overwhelming evidence, Karen and Peter still believes that it is not their fault for their lack of success, “Sure, it’s not like anything we’ve planted has ever bloomed but that’s mainly because our garden is completely ”, said Karen. “If we used harsh chemicals like water and dirt things might be different, but we care too much for the planet to do that.”

At press time the couple’s’ neighbours, the Romanos, had somehow grown 3 bushels of delicious that morning.

BREAKING: We wrote a fucking book