WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a week that’s seen him publicly admit to obstructing justice, leak highly classified information to Russian ambassadors, and severely compromise American intelligence partnerships, all without any discernible consequence, an incredulous Donald Trump demanded this week to know what in the sweet fuck a guy has to do to get impeached.
“It’s really getting to him,” admitted one senior White House official. “And you know what? I don’t blame him. No President has ever worked harder, or done more than Mr. Trump to be removed from office. That he remains, at least titularly, the most powerful man in the world, is disgusting.”
Speaking on condition of anonymity, the source explained that Mr. Trump actually feels “tremendous remorse” for the “most likely irreparable damage” he has inflicted upon American democracy. But the GOP’s refusal to remove him from an office he desperately wants no part of has left the President with no choice but to adopt what the aide describes as a “Wile E. Coyote approach to self-sabotage.”
“Case in point,” the source elaborated, “This morning Mr. Trump wiped his prolapsed asshole with the original Constitution, shoved the crumpled, skidmarked parchment into John F. Kennedy’s exhumed throat hole, and pissed on the corpse while swearing eternal allegiance to Adolf Hitler in the Oval Office in front of a bunch of 9/11 widows. Nothing! Paul Ryan just tousled his hair and went back to his office.”
Still, while Trump’s chances of being removed from office appear slimmer by the day, the source noted that the President still has an ace up his sleeve.
“He can always switch parties,” he said. “Clinton was impeached over a blow job. A consensual blow job! Do you know the last time the President engaged in a consensual sexual act? You don’t, because it’s literally never happened.”