VANCOUVER – Local friend and long-board enthusiast Zach Guentzel is on a mission to raise awareness that soap and other personal hygiene products are but ruses invented by Big Business to trick you into buying products you don’t actually need. He also reeks like fucking shit.
“All these shampoos and soaps are made by pharmaceutical companies who line their pockets with our money when they know very well that the human body is perfectly capable of regulating its hygiene naturally,” Guentzel proclaimed, emitting the stench of a flooded second-hand clothing store.
“No one needs body wash,” firmly stated the man who needs to wash his body. “You watch: keep using that stuff and it’ll kill you,” added Guentzel, who smells dead.
Guentzel’s friends are fed up with the challenges their friendship provides. “It wouldn’t be so bad if he were one or the other; stinky or preachy,” reluctant friend Rory Dalzell confided, “but you can’t take Zach anywhere. He’s always screaming about how The Illuminati is behind Head & Shoulders and the Bilderbergs are pushing the apricot facial scrub agenda. Plus he stinks like an old boxing glove full of clams.”
Dalzell said he and other friends have tried subtly hinting at Guentzel that he exudes the pungent aroma of yeti diarrhea, by trying to accidentally-on-purpose spill cologne on him, tickling his armpits with flowers, and snorting Febreeze in his presence right before giving him a knowing look.
A visit to Guentzel’s shared bachelor apartment revealed he hasn’t merely banned consumer sanitation products from his body, but his home as well. “Household cleaners are basically just bottled carcinogens. I prefer to wash my floors with good old-fashioned baking soda and dog saliva,” he explained, pointing at floorboards that were teeming with bacteria visible to the human eye. “I know a guy who got SARS from using Pine-Sol And I’m pretty sure Mr. Clean is a Freemason.”