Why can’t millennials just bring me the horn of the Mountain Beast? - The Beaverton

Why can’t millennials just bring me the horn of the Mountain Beast?

Arguably no generation has been afforded as many advantages as millennials. Education, technology, and societal advances should be making it easier than ever to get ahead. So why can’t millennials just slay the Mountain Beast and bring its dreadful horn to me?

The Mountain Beast is up there, and it’s NOT going away on its own. Here are four things this generation NEEDS to get their heads around if the town is to be free from its terror, and if I am to possess its dreaded horn at last:

1. The Mountain Beast is a godless menace and it must fall.

This thing HAS to go, and the sooner millennials wise up to that fact, the better. Maybe when you can just coast through life it’s harder to understand this, but you can’t reason with the Mountain Beast, or block it on Twitter – the Mountain Beast must die by blade or by fire. Sorry kids!

2. None may traverse the mountain while the Mountain Beast stalks its crags.

Call this a by-product of our press-a-button instant-gratification internet age, but millennials just don’t get that the treacherous crags and jags of the mountain are impassable while the Mountain Beast prowls its domain. Bad news millennials, but you can’t just Uber Eats a Korean taco to your Tindr date – not if it’s got to go through that damn mountain anyway. Because here’s another thing you might not have learned about on Snapchat…

3. Our caravans lay in splinters, their goods scattered and their drivers rent by unknown claws.

Ummm, hello? Paging millennials: I get that you’re all “creatives” and you maybe don’t know where goods come from, but they come from the caravans, and those caravans are being dashed to smithereens by you-know-who (the Mountain Beast). Soon the town will be plunged into goodslessness, courtesy of you, until the beast lays dead and I hold its horn as proof. And speaking of which…

4. I must have the horn of the Mountain Beast.

Not to make this about me, but I also just want the horn very much as it’s said to possess great power. In my younger days, I’d have gladly trekked up the mountain and taken it myself, but as a Boomer I must remain in the town and offer guidance, until millennials finally get it together and take up my quest (This is not a paid quest, but offers tremendous opportunity for exposure – think long term for once!).

I get it: your generation never had to drive out the Swamp Men like mine did – and that’s good, we’re glad you didn’t, they were awful! But it’s time to grow up, fell the Mountain Beast and drive its cursed shadow from our lands so the crops return.

But also, when the crops return, stop spending money on crops! You’ll never afford a house!