BRAMPTON, ON – After the arrest of golf great Tiger Woods on a DUI charge on Monday, fans and friends of the four-time Masters winner have been dealing with disappointment- but none have been more disappointed than Brampton native Geoff Womack, widely known until this week as “the Tiger Woods of impaired driving”.
“Look, I drive impaired, that’s what I do. Impaired driving is my art form. The car is my canvas, and booze and/or drugs are my brush,” lamented a crestfallen Womack. “I do it a lot and I’m good at it, is what I’m saying. I am… I WAS… regarded as the Tiger Woods of impaired driving. But now I guess the Tiger Woods of impaired driving is just the actual Tiger Woods. So yeah, that’s terrific.”
Now that he’s been thrust into direct completion with Woods himself, Womack says he’s not optimistic about reclaiming the distinction. “Now that Mr. Champion of the World is playing my sport, I don’t have a chance. I don’t know anyone who impaired-drives like I do, but that guy’s dad raised him to be a weird competition winning robot,” he explained. “And now he’s saying he wasn’t even drunk, he was just on mixed medication? I wouldn’t even have thought of doing it on mixed medication! That’s why he’s the king.”
Womack says he’s already lost several endorsements since Monday, and has also abandoned his screenplay for a Space Jam-esque film where he and Yosemite Sam drink a bottle of cough syrup and drive a Kia through a farmers market, because “it doesn’t make sense anymore.”
Despite losing his title, Womack has received several messages of encouragement on social media, including a Facebook post telling him to “Stay positive, it gets better” from Orlando’s Walter Cobb, serial adulterer and “The Tiger Woods of cheating on your wife” until 2009.