HALIFAX, NS – A Halifax judge has ruled that drunken proclamations of love constitute legal marriages.
“Clearly, a drunk can consent to marriage,” reads the decision in the case of a young man who blurted out feelings for an employee of the bar he was drinking at.
The man claimed he did not remember telling the bartender, with whom he had a passing familiarity, “your hair pretty, I love you.” But in his decision the judge noted, “a lack of memory does not equate to a lack of commitment.”
Police say, the man’s blood alcohol level was twice the legal limit for driving and friends characterized his behaviour prior to the incident as “real huggy.”
The ruling also leaves the man married to his roommate, a bus driver, his own reflection in the bathroom mirror, and the song Gold Digger by Kanye West. He was also briefly married to the 10 piece Chicken McNugget combo he professed undying devotion to before eating later that night, annulling the union.
Critics fear that drunken commitments to stay friends forever, quit your job and just move to Paris, or finally smack your roommate if he leaves his goddamn dishes in the goddamn sink one more goddamn time may also be legally binding contracts.
But the finding is clear under the law. “A drunk is as capable of making legal decisions as anyone else,” concluded the judge. “Heck, I’m drunk right now.”