"
"
"

Beloved character ‘Alex Jones’ jumps shark with child custody storyline

DALLAS, TX – In a jarring plot twist, beloved series has locked its star character “” in a bitter legal battle for custody of his son and two daughters for the past several; episodes, leading to many complaints that the character has finally “jumped the shark.”

“Alex Jones was always one of my favourite characters, I loved all the screaming and crying and how he didn’t think Sandy Hook was real, and how badly he needed you to think he could punch people, stuff like that,” said Matt Pyle. “Now all of a sudden there’s this whole arc where three kids were in his house all along, watching him shriek about all the liberal celebrities he thinks should be killed and raped? I dunno, I feel like they’re just shoehorning in this sort of ‘awww’-factor that’s totally inconsistent.”

“Like when the family on took in that homeless kid in the last season, or when the brought on Orbitty the alien. It’s like, what am I even watching anymore?”

The furious, red-faced Jones is a volatile and over-the-top character played by a “performance artist” of the same name (according to that artist’s lawyer earlier this week). He has delighted audiences in the past with his rage-filled insistence that every mass killing was either a false flag or outright hoax, his juvenile impersonations, and a popular True Detective-esque story arc that saw him investigating an occult pedophile sex dungeon under a parlour. In his current storyline, however, Jones finds himself struggling for custody of his three children as his ex-wife argues that he is dangerous and unstable.

While clearly an effort to humanize Jones, fans and reviewers agree that this narrative stunt feels tacky and forced, is entirely too mundane and soapy for the larger-than-life character and gives him little opportunity to do what he does best: yell about how everyone is a literal demon-goblin that he’s going to beat the hell out of.

No other fans of Alex Jones could be reached for comment, as the majority of them have hastily declared that they too were characters all along, and had only been following Jones and his website as elaborate performance pieces of their own.

Want hilarious satire you can listen to? Check out The Beaverton Weekly Report podcast here