BY KEVIN DOWSE, BEAVERTON CORPORATION LACKEY
It’s a battle as old as time: the CBC wages war on hard-working corporations, all while getting fat suckling at the teat of Mother Taxpayer. I used to resent this behaviour. Then it dawned on me that we should not fear the CBC’s intake-output system, but rather seek to emulate and surpass it. Which is why I propose: The Beaverton Corporation should absorb the CBC for nutrients like a giant, sentient space blob.
I feel I should pause here, and make clear that I am speaking in metaphor.
My masters at the Beaverton Corporation, and its subsidiaries, are not an ever-increasing life form made up of metastasizing otherworldly cells, bent on spreading its oozing, amoeba-like anatomy to every corner of the globe, until all Earth life is digested within our highly corrosive acidic membrane. But if the Beaverton Corporation were such a blob, I would say it should start by absorbing the CBC.
I know what you’re thinking: Canada needs independent journalism, and a venue for Canadian artistic voices to be heard. I used to think the same way. But ever since my masters at the Beaverton Corporation infiltrated my nostrils and leached themselves onto my brain–again, metaphorically–I have really come around to their way of thinking.
Commerce works like a virus. Some might say, like a space virus. It takes in the things it needs, assimilates what it finds useful, and leaves the chaff by the wayside. The CBC is an antiquated system full of chaff; but it has useful qualities, which could prove useful to the structure of the Beaverton Corporation before it moves on to other media, geographical, and celestial bodies.
All I’m saying is, it’s time Canada and the CBC gave way to evolution. To resist is to be crushed out of existence; but to recognize the superior way will allow the best parts of ourselves to live on forever as the Beaverton Corporation moves on to consume everything.
And if we’re really lucky, they might even talk about us on American news.