Virgin tree excited to finally bust pollen load - The Beaverton

Virgin tree excited to finally bust pollen load

WELLINGTON, ON – With the approach of warmer weather, a local virgin sugar maple is reportedly excited to finally “go all the way” and release his load of pollen that has been building up inside of him all winter long.

“Last spring I was too young. But now, it’s crazy how much my trunk is changing,” said the excitable sugar maple. “Every morning I wake up with sticky sap covered branches, and my bark is getting all furrowed. I’m so ready!”

According to sources, the maple and other nearby plants on the cusp of becoming sexually mature made a pact to all pollinate before the end of April, commonly known to biologists as “tree prom.”

Although the Maple was hoping to have his pollen land on a receptive helicopter seed and lead to germination, some of the other plants have different priorities.

”Listen I just want to spray my pollen, man. It doesn’t matter where it goes, know what I’m saying?” said the adolescent Douglas fir 5 feet away from the maple, who went on to boast about how big his needles were getting.

Despite opposition from some of the nearby conservative evergreens, Ontario is introducing a New Pollination Ed Curriculum effort to combat unwanted saplings and unprotected pollination. “I learned about nocturnal emissions,” said the sugar maple “you know, how I emit carbon dioxide in lieu of photosynthesis.”

At press time the sugar maple prematurely pollinated on a warm March day.

Want to support The Beaverton? Why not buy a copy of our hilarious first book?