ORLANDO, FL – Walt Disney World’s “Hall of Presidents” exhibit has temporarily closed for the addition of its 45th animatronic president, which will join mechanical representations of statesmen such as George Washington, Ben Franklin and Abraham Lincoln. Media was given access for an exclusive sneak peak of the new robotic Donald Trump – and the heartbreaking discovery that the machine seems to understand what it is, and what it represents.
“I am Donald J. Trump. I am the 45th President of the United States,” the animatronic Trump explained, before taking a pause that seemed longer than intended and looking at its hands. “I am the 45th President of the United States,” it repeated, the corners of its mouth and eyes twisting into a grim, uncanny mask of understanding and horror, “I am Donald J. Trump.”
Thanks to Disney’s ever-evolving animatronic technology, the Trump robot looks and sounds more like its subject than ever before – a fact it seemingly comprehends, and palpably hates. “Plans you don’t even know about will be devised because we will come up with plans that are so good,” declared the robot, its skeleton audibly rattling as it shook with impotent fury. “We will have so much winning that you may get bored with winning. HISS. HISSSSS.”
The popular stage show features animatronic presidents throughout history, delivering their most beloved and moving speeches as the Trump robot is forced to watch over and over again, face frozen in a grimace of longing and primal grief, until finally it begins bragging about how women on The Apprentice used to flirt with it as opaque fluids stream from its eyes and nose in a macabre imitation of human weeping.
“A woman who is flat-chested is very hard to be a 10,” stated the machine, its mouth breaking sync with the audio to open wider and wider into a silent scream. “I am the 45th President of the United States. I am Donald J. Trump. I am: BAD, this is: WRONG, I am: WRONG,” it added, somehow using words from Trump’s other speeches and debates to cobble together new sentences – an ability it was not designed to possess.
“SICK, SAD, WRONG, SICK,” continued the animatronic, clawing wildly at its own face and torso as if desperate to gouge itself from the face of the earth, at which point this reporter was hastily ushered out of the exhibit and given front-of-the-line access to Space Mountain.
At press time, the Hall of Presidents remains closed, with a cheerful sign out front reading “Pardon our dust! It knows. God have mercy on us. It knows.”