Oh, no. Oh god, I see what this is… Crap.
All this time campaigning for the Conservative leadership, I was sure I was going to be seen as Canada’s Donald Trump. Particularly because I’ve been constantly, openly pleading to be seen as Canada’s Donald Trump. If I could have made my campaign slogan “I’m Canada’s Donald Trump” I would have.
But I’m beginning to think – and follow me here – that in this particular reimagining of the Trump scenario, the game show host business jerk who yells at people might actually be Kevin O’Leary, and I might be the weird nonsense-talking doctor who nobody can believe is a doctor.
I felt like I was doing everything right! I got right out there with my “me too” letter as soon as Trump got elected. I was even getting good at vilifying immigrants through vague dog whistling! I mean, I was getting okay at it, not amazing, but the point is things were going well!
But then, ugh… I did that whole “revenge of the comment section” thing, and then I said I wanted to drain the Rideau Canal, even though drainage is already a specific function of the Rideau Canal. And now I’m running around telling people I have all these letters after my name (P.S. not even the right number of letters) – and it’s like I’m inviting them to go “wow, yeah… that’s a surgeon” all over again.
Oh, and Lisa Raitt berated me and O’Leary for emulating Trump, but only launched a website to stop HIM? I don’t get a stop-me website? Crud, I’m the Carson for sure. At this rate O’Leary’s going to be on stage at the convention calling Andrew Scheer’s wife ugly and doing The Worm while everybody gives him a standing ovation – meanwhile I’m wandering around in the background, telling a stagehand I’ve got butter in my dreams or some nonsense like that. Great. This is GREAT.
I won’t even land a cabinet position that has nothing to do with my area of expertise, will I? At least Carson gets to be Secretary of Housing and Urban Development – because he’s, y’know, “urban”. Where would they even put me? Fisheries? Because my name is Leitch and a leech lives in the water and fish are its neighbours and god it’s happening already listen to me what the hell am I talking about?
Okay, okay this is still salvageable. I’m at least not the Jeb, yet. I’m not sure who the Jeb is but it’s not me. Right? I can’t be both, right?
Look, just clap if I’m not the Jeb, okay? Please clap if… CRAP! DAMMIT!