Name: Maxime Bernier
Background: Maxime Bernier, nicknamed “Mad Max” by the wasteful Department of Unnecessary Nicknames, is Canada’s most libertarian contender in the Conservative Party Leadership Race. Bernier currently serves as the Tory’s Critic of Innovation, Science and Economic Development where he does just that. Bernier has fought all his life for small and fiscally responsible government, particularly the seven years he spent in the cabinet of a government that added $128.5 billion to the public debt. As a white, upper middle-class, French-Canadian, Bernier was a diversity hire to the Conservative Party. In 2007, Bernier resigned from his cabinet post after he accidentally left classified documents with his former Hells Angels-associate girlfriend. To this date, the Hells Angels remain Canada’s ambassadors to Estonia. In 2013, Bernier held a charity ultramarathon to raise money for impoverished children who did not have access to Atlas Shrugged.
– Deregulate the CRTC so you won’t have to see his face anywhere on TV
– Stop climate scientists from affecting public policy so government can annihilate the human race in whatever way it sees fit
– Stop public investment in private innovation so private companies can finally start innovating already
– Allow advertising on the CBC but only if it’s for the Fraser Institute
– Free trade agreements with all known groups in the universe, including the ferocious Pleptamonites of Planet Pleptamon
Chances of winning: Good since he’s way out in front among the Globe and Mail comment section’s vote