INTERNATIONAL WATERS – With the lower decks taking on water and all his life rafts destroyed, Minister of Fisheries Dominic LeBlanc is climbing to the top of his ship’s mast in order to escape the hundreds of circling sharks.
“I don’t care what Trudeau says: Cardamom isn’t worth the hassle,” rasped the sunburned LeBlanc, as he pulled a dead MP from the mast rigging and tossed the corpse into the roiling waters below. “And apparently we also need to do a byelection in Pontiac.”
Observers say that LeBlanc was heading back from an Indian trade mission on the HMS Viceroy when the ship was attacked and boarded by pirates off the coast of Somalia. Recognizing LeBlanc, the captain decided he would be too mutinous as a slave, so the pirates left the Minister aboard the Viceroy before blowing two giant holes in the hull.
“At least the bastard left me with a one-way ticket home,” said LeBlanc, feeling the weight of exactly one Luger and one bullet in his jacket pocket. “Too bad it’s economy class.”
LeBlanc then reached the top of the mast and took a moment to look out over the sunset one final time before being ripped apart by ten thousand teeth. Reports say this moment of introspection was interrupted when the reserve fuel tank bobbed to the surface.
“Well, well, well. Isn’t that interesting,” said LeBlanc carefully raising the Luger to aim at the leaky drum floating in the great mass of teeth and fins. “Say cheese, you sons of bitches.”
At press time, LeBlanc was riding the lone surviving shark, which he had affectionately named ‘Daisy’, back to shore.
