GRIMSBY, ON – A 95-year-old Progressive Conservative candidate trapped in 19-year-old’s body has become the youngest MPP in Ontario’s history.
Cornelius Appleton, who inexplicably switched bodies with local youth Sam Oosterhoff in 2007, rode a wave of anger at hydro rates and the Ontario government’s “immorality and demonry” to win the riding of Niagara West-Glanbrook in a by-election.
The nonagenarian-imprisoned-in-the-flesh-of-a-teenaged-Brock-University-student took a clear position throughout the campaign against abortion, chewing gum, and children staying out past 7 PM.
“Voters have sent a clear message to the Wynne government that the jitterbug is immoral and must be banned!” said Oosterhoff in a victory speech. “Lollygagging bureaucrats and nancy boy marriages do not belong in our society.”
As he spoke to reporters after his win, Oosterhoff’s initial excitement veered into nostalgic rambling.
“Back in my day, the first time I was a teenager, we didn’t have fancy elections. Candidates used to race one another down Twelve Mile Creek in bathtubs…and they rowed both ways upstream. And in the event of a tie, we would settle things with a good old fashioned pie-eating competition.”
At press time, the oldest-youngest MPP in the history of Ontario abruptly ended the press conference returning to his parent’s basement to catch the last half of his favourite radio program, The National Farm Radio Forum.