TERROR BAY, NU. – Two days after the last of the weevil-infested hardtack was eaten, Minister of Fisheries and Oceans Dominic LeBlanc has begun walking around with a handful of straws, telling the stranded MPs to draw.
“What happens if we pick the short straw?” said Tony Clement, Member for Parry Sound-Muskoka, with a slight quaver in his voice. “You’re not- you’re not going to-”
Sources say LeBlanc then fixed his one good eye on Clement, and gave him a stare ‘As hard and cold as the waters that have trapped our ship for lo, these many weeks.’
“First time at sea, Mr. Clement?” LeBlanc finally growled, before shoving a straw into his hands and moving along.
LeBlanc’s policy has been met with controversy. While many MPs suggest eating their belts and shoes before resorting to ‘forbidden rations’, LeBlanc insists the survivors are going to need those belts and shoes when they strike out on the 400km over-ice trek to Kugluktuk.
“I am sorry, my friend,” said LeBlanc, moments after a crying Stephane Dion pulled the short straw and every hollow, starving eye on the ship turned to look at him. “It should have been Pierre Poilievre.”
This is the first time LeBlanc has been shipwrecked trying to find the northwest passage since 2012, when a surprise blizzard forced him to cut open and sleep inside the body of Michael Ignatieff.