STOCKHOLM, Sweden – Just hours after being recognized for their academic and scientific achievements, the 2016 Nobel Prize Laureates engaged in a violent brawl with the 2016 MacArthur Fellows, leaving dozens injured.
According to Nobel Committee Chairman Thorbjorn Jagland, the fracas is just the latest in a decades long feud between the groups.
“This violence was not created in a vacuum,” he added. “Nor could it have been, which those chump-stain MacArthur lightweights would know if they had the brainpower to understand 1906 Nobel winner J.J. Thompson’s pioneering experiments in vacuum energy discharge.”
According to local reports, the hours-long melee began at a bar across from the Royal Swedish Academy of Sciences Headquarters before spilling into nearby streets and back alleys. The Laureates had been celebrating their awards in a rowdy bacchanalia until the 2016 recipients of the MacArthur Foundation Genius Grants arrived atop custom motorcycles, apparently for the specific purpose of harassing their rivals.
Eyewitnesses report the brawl started when a debate over the role of lysosomal degradation in autophagic cellular mutation turned violent. Biologist Yoshinori Ohsumi is alleged to have sparked the fight upon smashing his Nobel Medal over the head of MacArthur Fellow Manu Prakash when the latter denied that autophagocytosis eliminates intracellular bacterial infection.
When reached for comment, MacArthur Fellowship Managing Director Cecilia Conrad blamed the “Nobel Crew” for creating the feud in 1983 when William Golding used his Nobel Literature Prize acceptance speech to call out William Penn Warren, who in turn used his MacArthur Foundation money to publish a book of so-called ‘dis-poems’ against Golding and “the whole Nobel scene”.
“If they don’t wanna get popped, they gotta stop frontin’,” she wrote in a statement.
Swedish law enforcement has confirmed the arrests of 35 individuals in connection to the fight, including Colombian President Juan Manuel Santos for allegedly garrotting a police officer with his Nobel Peace Prize. After posting bail, physicist J. Michael Kosterlitz was unrepentant while speaking for his fellow Laureates.
“All these MacArthur-winning motherfuckers think they can step to us?!” said Kosterlitz with his medal around his neck. “They can go back to making they whack-ass sculptures and poems, because they ain’t discovered shit!”
“They can call me when they define the topological phenomena in material phase transitions. Until then, they can suck my Nobel prize winning dick!”