NAMUR, BELGIUM – After talks on the Comprehensive Economic and Trade Agreement were stalled by the francophone minority in Belgium, it has become apparent that every francophone minority in the world also hates Canada.
“We still haven’t forgotten the Conscription Crisis of 1917,” said Wallonian premier Paul Magnette. “Where the Canadian government forced so many Quebec francophones into the military to liberate places like Belgium.”
While Quebec has remained primly silent through the whole process, other francophone minorities have been outspoken.
“Yes, we also hate the Anglophone oppressors, and specifically Toronto,” said Jacques LeClerc, from the Romandy area of Switzerland. “Calice de crisse de merde de fuck de Toronto.”
Since CETA stalled, representatives from Louisiana to Ouagadougou to the Seychelles have come forward to decry the Maple Leafs, music not made by Gilles Vigneault, and to spit on the memory of General Wolfe.
“Right here, Canada,” said Claude Duplasse, one of Estonia’s 124 French speakers, raising ‘le double oiseau. “Yes, we hate you too.”
This is the first time English Canada has paid attention to the complaints of a Francophone minority since all the money left Quebec in the ‘70s.