TIJUANA – Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump has been detained by authorities at the Mexican border, after it was determined that he was entering the country illegally.
“Judging by this Trump person who was apprehended, it’s clear that America is sending us their worst,” said Mexican president Enrique Peña Nieto. “Take this man’s history; multiple bankruptcies, ties to questionable foreign businessmen and mobsters, plus his orange skin indicates that he has some sort of advanced jaundice. We believe the Mexican people would be safer if people like Donald Trump were kept out of our country.”
Authorities detained Trump at the border after a cursory Google search revealed dozens of inflammatory, anti-Mexican comments made by the Republican candidate. Officials then interrogated the real estate mogul to determine whether he had any connections to other violent anti-Mexican groups, and where he was radicalized.
“We didn’t even keep him detained that long,” explained Mexican border official Juan Perez, 45. “But after 15 minutes in the office, Mr. Trump was begging us to let him go. He started sobbing about how much he loved Mexico, and something called a ‘taco bowl’. By the time I got clearance to send him back to America, he was offering to tell us military secrets he had learned in classified briefings.”
“Good luck in November, America,” Perez added.
Upon returning to American soil, Trump tweeted several messages about how he had “single-handedly conquered Mexico” and how the Mexican people would “pay to have his pants dry cleaned” where he had wet himself.