OTTAWA – After being absent from Parliament for three straight months, federal sources report that the Minister of Fisheries and Oceans, Dominic LeBlanc, has finally arrived back in Ottawa lugging the beak of the dreaded Kraken along with him.
“I found the bastard 40 kilometres up the St. Lawrence. That’s fresh water, Mr. Prime Minister,” said LeBlanc, dropping the 6ft beak onto Trudeau’s pristine mahogany desk. “This was one of the little ones.”
LeBlanc, whose responsibilities include supervising the fishing industry, administrating waterways, and defending the nation – with musket and sabre – from the unknown terrors of the deep, then collapsed into an overstuffed chair by the roaring fire, spent.
“What would you have me do, LeBlanc? You’ve proven yourself worthy again and again,” said Trudeau, gesturing to the other monstrous trophies mounted around his office. “Clearly our system is working.”
At this, reports indicate that LeBlanc became unruly.
“You! You don’t understand! You’re up here in your ivory tower. You don’t see what I see,” said LeBlanc, hoisting himself out of the chair. “It’s different out there. Something… Something’s changed.”
Witnesses say Justin Trudeau then reminded LeBlanc of his standing, his family, and how the Prime Minister could crush him underfoot if LeBlanc ever breathed a word about his ridiculous suspicions.
“Are we clear? Good,” said Trudeau, tossing a small sack of gold coins across his desk. “And don’t forget your payment, LeBlanc.”
“A fine prize. But what shall I tell the loved ones of the 15 brave souls I spent?” said the former House Leader, absentmindedly fiddling with the pouch’s drawstrings. “What coin can ease their hearts?”
Reports say that Trudeau seemed to consider this for a moment.
“They’ll be compensated when you return from India with the turmeric. For now, let them weep.”
