FAIRFAX, VIRGINIA – Responding to the latest mass shooting that has rocked the United States, the National Rifle Association today unveiled a new AR-15 assault rifle whose ammunition will be the thoughts and prayers of lawmakers who oppose gun control.
“This new ‘thoughts and prayers’ assault rifle is the perfect weapon for Americans to protect themselves from crazed individuals who are attacking them with assault rifles,” said NRA CEO Wayne LaPierre at a press conference today. “Fortunately, thoughts and prayers are something that American lawmakers have in ample supply, particularly following these increasingly regular mass shootings.”
The gas-powered Colt XM-15-TnP carbine is capable of firing 45 thoughts or prayers per minute. The manufacturer’s advertising explains that “these thoughts and prayers used to only be for destroying powerful speeches on gun control from widowers or the parents of children killed by gun violence. But now, the NRA has finally found a way to effectively weaponize them for civilian use.”
Republican lawmakers were quick to endorse the new assault rifle, citing the huge stockpile of thoughts and prayers currently sitting in state legislatures, TV interviews, and, of course, on social media.
“We’ve had so many mass shootings in the US this year alone, I’m practically swimming in thoughts and prayers,” said U.S. Senate majority leader Mitch McConnell. “Plus, I’ve accepted over $922,000 in donations from the NRA, so it’s nice to finally donate some of my deadliest thoughts and prayers back to the gun-owning community.”
“Besides, it’s not like those thoughts and prayers were doing much here in Washington.”
Back at the press conference, LaPierre assured NRA members that they would be aggressively lobbying to ensure that no restrictions whatsoever would be placed on the sale or ownership of the XM-15-TnP. “We are confident that when the framers wrote the Second Amendment, they wished to ensure that individuals placed on terrorist watchlists could purchase, without impediment, a high-capacity assault rifle which fires the meaningless, but still lethal, thoughts and prayers of lawmakers who have accepted vast sums of money from a powerful private lobby group.”
“Oh, and this assault rifle is also ideal for hunting,” LaPierre insisted while broadly winking at the crowd.
UPDATE: The Colt XM-15-TnP carbine has already been used to perpetrate a mass shooting
