WASHINGTON – Presumptive republican presidential nominee Donald Trump was interrupted during a foreign policy briefing by a concession phone call from an individual named “John Kasich”, whom sources later revealed to be a former candidate for the Republican nomination.
The concession call reportedly lasted several minutes, most of which consisted of Trump’s personal secretary Valerie Smith googling various spellings of the name “Kasich” to discover any clues as to the identity of the caller. “Mr. Trump is a very busy man, and we can’t have just any random person off the street calling him and taking up his time,” explained Smith.
“John. John Kasich?” offered the Ohio politician who was until hours earlier the number two candidate in the Republican primary and not, as confused Trump staffers had assumed, a telemarketer.
Insiders report that Trump feigned familiarity with Kasich for several minutes as he struggled to pin a face to the name. Kasich helpfully dropped many hints as to his identity, including “I’m the Governor of Ohio,” and “We’ve met in person and spoken at dozens of Republican debates.” Trump eventually offered Kasich a signed copy of the “Art Of The Deal”, before hanging up and reprimanding his assistant for making him talk to “some nobody.”
At press time, John Kasich was eagerly recounting the story of the phone call, particularly the part where “Mr. Trump used my name!”