Ted Cruz raptured early - The Beaverton

Ted Cruz raptured early

INDIANAPOLIS — Following a fierce primary battle, Senator was rewarded for his staunch support of anti-abortion, anti-immigrant and anti-gay policies by being lifted away from worldly toils of the campaign prior to the official rapture.

“We gave it everything we’ve got, but the voters chose another path,” Senator Cruz said before being lifted up in a column of light to rest in a paradise where he will be eternally spared from the presence of non-Christians, willful females and bakers who make cakes for gay weddings.

Attendees at the Cruz campaign’s final rally were surprised but hopeful in the face of the end of the campaign and Cruz’s mystical union with the Creator.

“It’s a real shame that the only candidate willing to stand up for values has been removed from the running,” said Cruz spokesperson Catherine Frazier. “But we can take comfort in the fact that he will be spared from having to see the ghastly things on earth leading up to the end times. Never will he have to endure the terror of seeing a female president. Never again will he have to endure the horror of knowing that some Muslim people are alive and well and living happy lives.”

Cruz later issued a statement from heaven, assuring his supporters that they too could be worthy of early rapture if they just worked to make sure American laws get closer to the Ten Commandments.

At press time, was preparing to make “a bigger, better rapture than anything the book of Revelations could have imagined.”