MADISON — GOP candidate Ted Cruz has condemned Donald Trump’s recent statements that women who have abortions should face legal penalties, and emphasized that no woman should be punished for this until after her soul is cast into the fiery pit of eternal agony in hell.
“The good people of this country would never want women facing the personal and often difficult decision of whether to terminate a pregnancy only to face jail time. Last time I checked, in this country we let God and the Enemy take twin vengeance on those one-in-three women, which He will do, no doubt, in good time,” Cruz said warmly, raising his arms to a round of applause, and, presumably, to a wrathful God.
Attendees at the rally were impressed with Cruz’s principled stance. “This has been a very contentious social issue for a long time,” said one supporter. “I’m just glad we’ve come to a point where we can accept that while not everyone agrees, the decision to terminate a pregnancy is between a woman, her doctor, and the Infernal Tormentors that wait to feast on her corrupt flesh in the Underworld.”
“Oh, and also in the regular world—after the Endtimes come,” he added cheerfully.
Cruz went on to address the question of whether, were he to become president, he would push for a Supreme Court nominee likely to rule in favor of anti-abortion interests.
“We need a Supreme Court that is going to make responsible decisions about the rights and protections of Americans, and to do that, their rulings must be based on the presumption that those who commit certain deeds will be punished in the afterlife.” said Cruz. “I’m not even certain why we have a Supreme Court anyway, since the everlasting agonies of the Pit have served since the dawn of time as the ultimate penal system. In fact, the entire judiciary could be a great place to start cutting government spending.”
At press time Ted Cruz was assuring supporters that Muslims shouldn’t be banned from America before the Rapture.