BY: PROFESSOR LOUISIANA HARKER
I’ve been all over this great, mysterious world of ours: from the Nazca Lines in Peru to the hidden Tonsoon tribes in Tanzania, from the ancient crypts of the Viking city of Sjoertenheim to the Halls of Shambala. And in all my travels, I like to think that I’ve become something of an expert when it comes to all manner of malady and misfortune which can befall someone who disturbs places of immense power. That’s why I’m so confident that Canada’s current oil crisis is a direct result of us disturbing an ancient dinosaur burial ground.
Now, when the Alberta government first retained me to look into the issue, I wanted to be able to tell them that the problem was a result of OPEC’s refusal to slash production in an already oversaturated market. I wanted to be able to tell them that but couldn’t. Because the second I set foot in that cold, unforgiving tarsand, I knew it right away: dinosaur curse!
I’m not surprised that no one noticed it until now; other curses are much more obvious. Defiled Native American burial grounds favour hauntings and the Olmecs preferred sudden onsets of mental illness. And while Egyptian curses tend to cause bad luck or illness in those who trespass in the pharaoh’s’ tombs, dinosaur curses are much more subtle. Instead of death for those who defile the ancient resting place of our sauropod predecessors, the curse slowly erodes the value of some commodity upon which a society has become financially and functionally dependent. The curse can take many years to manifest and sometimes exhibits properties which can resemble normal market fluctuations. But make no mistake, the only possible explanation for what is happening is the hex of a Tyrannosaur shaman.
I know what you’re all saying: “But how can we extract precious, precious oil without disturbing dinosaur bones?! Isn’t oil dinosaurs?!” Well, while all oil is definitely dinosaurs, there are precautions and rituals which could have been taken. If only former Premier Alison Redford had sacrificed the eldest son of each of Edmonton’s ruling magistrates upon the burning pyre of an oil derrick, as I urged her to do, the oil crash and subsequent erosion of the Canadian dollar all could have been avoided. Damned skeptics!
And before you ask, no, we can’t just put the oil back into the ground. As was inscribed in the Book of Steg, discovered deep within the catacombs of Fort McMurray, “Let those who seek to extract our life essence to power their machines of war and Miatas be forever cursed with brief bouts of temporary financial uncertainty!”
At this point, there is only one possible solution: summoning one of the Great Forgotten Ones to this realm to exorcise the curse, at the cost of our mortal souls. Either that or transitioning from a resource based economy to one which emphasizes intellectual services and manufacturing. Both can work.