Richard Dawkins insists his empty birthday party just proof God does not exist - The Beaverton

Richard Dawkins insists his empty birthday party just proof God does not exist

LONDON – Seated alone in a Bar and Grill, at an extra-large table which he himself reserved, smugly asserted that this sad tableau never would have been allowed to happen if a loving actually did exist.

The controversial evolutionary biologist, whose criticisms of theology have been described as “strident”, “akin to religious fundamentalism”, and “hugely dickish”, perused the chain restaurant’s menu while explaining his conclusion, “Let’s face facts: If God or any other benevolent supreme being actually did exist, He certainly would have intervened and sent at least one guest to keep me from spending my birthday alone. ”

“I mean sure, I could be sad that everyone I know either forgot my birthday, or elected not to spend an evening in my company,” noted the ordinarily combative cultural critic. “Or I could take solace in the fact that this depressing event confirms my pre-existing belief that God is nothing more than a collective human delusion.”

Dawkins then re-examined the menu’s Memphis-Rubbed Ribs, while repeatedly eyeing the restaurant’s entrance.

As the evening wore on, the avowed atheist writer loudly maintained that disproving God’s love and mercy was a suitable replacement for any friends arriving to celebrate his birthday. He continued to affirm this stance while lecturing a nearby table about Ahmed Mohamed, the Texas Muslim teenager whose homemade clock was mistaken for a bomb, and how the teen was “in fact merely a self-promoting fraud”.

Throughout it all Dawkins worked to remain upbeat, as he packed away various party hats and noisemakers that he had purchased. “That woman over at the other table with the headscarf might feel happy laughing with her friends,” he noted of a nearby patron. “But she probably wouldn’t be so happy if she saw how my evening has disproven the laughable notion of her so-called ‘prophet’.”

“Really, it’s her I feel sorry for,” he added, before gazing at his own long-since-melted ice cream cake.

As the TGI Fridays finally closed for the evening, Dawkins was prepared to declare the entire solitary evening a rousing success.

“I understand I’m not the friendliest person, but surely I’m not so bad that a real and existing God could see fit to have left me here all alone this evening,” he mused, before informing the waitress that her crucifix necklace was a meaningless sham.