TORONTO – After topping user approval rankings last week, paramedic and ambulance driver John Smallberries has been named Canada’s number one UberX driver.
Users of Smallberries’ service cite his professionalism, spacious vehicle, and complete immunity to normal traffic laws as factors contributing to their high ratings.
“At first I was going to dock him a star or two, you know, because of the screaming and crying and the viscera,” said regular Uber customer Julie McPherson. “But boy, ten minutes to the airport? Can’t argue with that!”
Despite calls from taxi companies and legal experts to regulate Uber’s services, legislators have faced an uphill battle. Taxi drivers claim they simply cannot compete with unlicensed drivers like Smallberries, especially since standard cabs don’t come equipped with laws that require other traffic to get out of their way, or bone saws.
“We’ve been trying to make people get out of our way for years,” said Toronto Taxi Alliance Spokesperson Sam Moini, “But I guess reckless, uninformed driving is just no match for a good siren.”
At press time, several local police car drivers had also signed up to drive with UberX, but were oddly enough only picking up innocent black and hispanic men.