HOLLYWOOD, CA – After this Monday’s announcement that CBS would be producing a new series of the popular franchise Star Trek, executives are now allaying worries that the new program would bring any sort of satisfaction to fans old or new.
Executive producer Alex Kurtzman has assured future audiences that the show would strike a careful balance, with just enough fast-paced action to put off old fans and the perfect amount of drawn out science fiction, techno-babble, and philosophical discussion to scare away new viewers.
“Listen, I don’t want people thinking that this will be a thoughtful homage, or a fresh take,” said Kurtzman. “Rest assured, this will be a half-baked abomination resulting from studio pressure and creative constraint.”
“We’ve got Chris Pine guest-starring for all you movie fans out there, and what better way to utilize him then sitting him at a table with acclaimed character actor Marc Alaimo to talk about trade politics for 15 minutes.”
Representatives further added that the show will initially only be available on CBS All Access along with all previous Star Trek episodes, ensuring that fans can binge-watch their sorrows away after the new series premiers in January 2017.
“It feels fantastic giving the people what they almost certainly don’t want,” said one representative. “And if the series is accidentally a hit, we can cancel it! Maybe after two seasons, just to get their hopes up.”
At press time, police have been forced to suppress riots in comic book stores nationwide after CBS announced that the series would be “a continuation of the popular series Star Trek: Enterprise.”
With files by Ian MacIntyre