TORONTO – Reeling under cuts, CBC has begun to sell off its real estate holdings and moved into a two bedroom basement apartment with 26 year old recent graduate Dave Mullins.
“CBC is proud to announce this new partnership with Dave,” said Fred Mattocks, CBC’s general manager of media operations and technology, at a staff town hall. “Though our new headquarters has only one window, we feel the great location near the subway, ample fridge space, and functional dishwasher will put the CBC on the same level as most Canadian content distributors going forward.”
Mattocks went on to explain why it made sense to divest the broadcaster of the costs of owning real estate. Mattocks showed that additional funds have already been freed up for programming because utilities, such as hydro and water, were included under Dave’s lease.
“And since we’re technically subletting, we don’t have to worry about getting locked into a long lease,” said Mattocks. “If something better opens up, say a bigger basement apartment or, God willing, the third floor of Maria’s [Ferguson, law student] house, we can just go for it! That’s the kind of savvy dealing the CBC is known for.”
Union leaders have decried the move, citing the new HQ’s paper thin walls, which they say could lead to interruptions during newscasts and other original programming whenever the tenants above used the toilet, took a shower, or brought a girl over.
Mattocks refuted those claims, stating that “once you see the place, you’ll see nobody will be bringing girls over. Besides, if it does happen it can only boost ratings.”
While Mullins was relieved to have a public broadcaster to share the rent, he did admit to some friction with his new roommate.
“Twice now, Rex Murphy has left an upper decker sitting in the toilet without unclogging it,” said Mullins as he prepared for another shift at O’Connolly’s Bar and Grill. “I don’t mind if they have the At Issue panel over, but I told Chantal Hebert that she has to smoke outside. And they need to keep it down at night, I can’t sleep with Hubert Lacroix sobbing until 5am.”
At press time, it looked like CBC was going to have to lay off another 500 people so they could make rent without asking their parents for money.