WINNIPEG – A recent country-wide survey of the nation’s receptionists has revealed that 87% of them agree that Mr. Johannson, Vice President of Marketing and Analytics, is not available at the moment.
Dr. Wayne Langford, who conducted the study, says his staff were astounded by the results. “We were expecting some consensus on whether Johannson would or would not be available for a meeting or a phone call, but we never anticipated this level of agreement across all of Canada’s 10 provinces and territories.”
The results of the study show that researchers were repeatedly advised by thousands of secretarial staff members that Arthur Johannson unfortunately had absolutely no room in his calendar right now.
“Interestingly,” reported Dr. Langford, “it was predominantly receptionists on the west coast who apologized for “Art’s” lack of availability while east coast administrative staff tersely advised that Mr. Johannson was simply a very busy man with many things on his plate.” Results are still pending from the over 1,500 receptionists in Canada’s northern territories, where phone lines can be finicky, but Dr. Langford’s team expects similar results.
Of the front office clerks surveyed, 12% placed Dr. Langford’s staff on hold while they checked with Mr. Johannson’s personal assistant and 42% asked if the researchers wished to speak to Susan Marshall instead, the Chief Bursary Officer who was available right now.
“We politely declined,” chuckled Dr. Langford, “it was Johannson we were interested in and there were still thousands more receptionists to speak to.”
Langford’s team used M.I.T. Professor Wilson Chang’s recent paper, “The Doctor Won’t See You Now: A State-Wide Analysis of Doctor Kevin Marshall’s Ability to Fit you In” in structuring the report. In fact, the current study hearkens back to a similar project conducted by a team out of the University of Ottawa in 1978 which found that Mr. Johannson was typically available for a brief phone call after noon on a Tuesday and before 9:30 on Thursdays. “Clearly the methodology was flawed in the earlier attempt,” Langford concluded.
Dr. Langford feels emboldened by the results, remarking “we’re absolutely going to continue and possibly reshape the survey.” Research staff have already been directed by Dr. Langford to call back around 2 p.m., after Johannson has had a bit of lunch, to see if the results vary. They’ve been further instructed to tell receptionists that it’s Wayne calling and Mr. Johannson should know what this is about. “We’ll see if we get different results now,” Dr. Langford said hopefully, “I’m optimistic.”
Mr. Johannson could not be reached for comment.
