VANCOUVER – In what every Vancouver resident has said was an “utterly predictable eventuality,” one of the tankers that line English Bay has leaked tons of “we totally saw this coming” that has lined the city’s public beaches.
“We told you this would happen,” said the city’s entire population when reached for comment.
“We told you so!”
With the “I can’t believe we all have to clean this ship up” already underway, the spill has been estimated at roughly 2,800 litres of what experts have identified as, “it doesn’t matter, it’s toxic! And this is for sure not the last time this kind of thing is going to happen.” The spill is said to have been unreported for up to 13 hours because “of course.”
“Oh yeah! We could never have predicted a spill like this,” said Coast Guard spokesman Roger Girouard on Thursday.
“Especially when we know that every single tanker that comes into English Bay has a completely responsible and sober crew on board that never, EVER makes mistakes.”
At press time, Kinder Morgan has proposed a new pipeline through Burnaby Mountain that will pump millions of gallons of “we don’t fucking learn.”
With files from Aaron Hagey-MacKay
