SALT LAKE CITY, UT – Following the GamerGate controversy and the use of online bullying and threats of violence against female game makers and journalists, ISIS has begun seeking recruits in the American gaming community
“Gaming is not a place for women” said Nidal Nuseiri, an ISIS spokesman. “These gamers are just trying to protect what is holy to them. We get that. We can help.”
To date ISIS recruitment has focused on the expanded ability to repress and censure that recruits would enjoy. Rather than simply tell women to shut up and make them a sandwich, gamers would now get to actually take food from the hands of starving women and eat it in front of them. Instead of threatening to kill women who disagreed with them, they would get to kill everyone all the time always.
Initial reports suggest the recruitment campaign was going well, and the two communities were bonding over their shared interests. Nicholas J. Rasmussen, Direction of National Counterterrorism noted that, “Gamers seem to be really taken in by the fact that ISIS leaders also seem to refer to most women as whores, especially the ones that won’t sleep with them.”
“They also seem to like that ISIS’ regulation masks do a good job hiding pimples,” Rasmussen added.
Despite the success, some have questioned why ISIS would even want to recruit from the GamerGate community. However, Nuseiri stated that “initially we had some concerns about their dedication. But after the latest round of online vitriol, we were sold. I mean, a manifesto in blood? We haven’t even tried that shit.”
At press time, ISIS was working on drawing people to AllahChan, a digital caliphate dedicated to disseminating Sharia Law, shaming female gamers, and releasing hacked burqa pics.