Study: 9 out of 10 people on fire don't care about conflict in Middle East - The Beaverton

Study: 9 out of 10 people on fire don’t care about conflict in Middle East

EDMONTON – A new study has found high levels of apathy among Canadians towards the ongoing violence and chaos in , as 90% of individuals whose skin was currently ablaze with flames said they had “no opinion” on the conflict at all.

“We knew that not everyone would care about Hamas’ rocket attacks or ’s settlements given how long this conflict has been going,” said lead researcher on the project Tina Garner. “But it was still surprising that nearly everyone we involuntarily doused in propane and flicked a match on didn’t seem to care at all.”

“People in North America are just not interested in global politics I guess,” she added.

The results found the fighting and associated loss of life was a low priority for most individuals, well behind such items as “fire, water, proximity to fire extinguishers, and NHL free agency.”

A quote from the study indicates some people were interested in the conflict, but were also easily distracted. Keith English’s transcript indicated he reacted as follows:

“I mean, this whole tragic situation just dates back to the Paris Peace Conference and the boundaries that were arbitrarily drawn in the , and I for one think… Hey! What are you doing! Stop tha… AHHHHHH! Oh God why? AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

However not all individuals were so cavalier about the ongoing suffering.

“I just don’t understand why Israel can’t withdraw to its pre-1967 borders in exchange for a promise from Hamas to cease all campaigns against Israel,” said Jessica Barnouin as she pulled fried, dead chunks of hair out of her scalp.

At press time Dr. Garner’s team had also conclusively demonstrated that people held underwater for more than 30 seconds were not overly concerned with famine in the developing world.