SOCHI, RUSSIA – Sources inside the Russian security ministry are sending their deepest apologies to the Canadian Men’s Olympic Hockey team for the upcoming concussion soon-to-be sustained by star centre Sidney Crosby, who will unfortunately – may, or may not, or may – receive a career-ending head injury sometime before he steps on the Olympic ice.
“Although our security forces are the best trained in the world, we can only mitigate – but not eliminate – the risk of Sidney Crosby accidentally getting a concussion moments before he has the opportunity to defend his team’s Gold medal title on our soil,” said Russian security minister Vladimir Kolokoltsev.
“It will – I mean – it would be unfortunate, but we can’t say that it won’t happen,” he added.
Sources say that the intense focus on securing the Sochi games from the threat of terrorism has stretched resources thin. And given the recently finished facilities, the security ministry says it is impossible to guarantee that every hotel will be free from bowling balls perilously perched above room entrances. The same goes for every washroom stall in the hockey arena being free from masked Cossacks clumsily juggling hammers, and nor could they say that every hockey helmet will be free of pneumatically deployed iron bolts firing at the temples.
At press time, the Russian Olympic committee also stated they could not guarantee that Patrick Chan would not choke during his Olympic program, as he may literally be choked by an unknown strangler.
