CALGARY – After observing the suspicious behaviour of his two pet cats, Milo and Muffy, local graphic designer Todd Perkins has concluded that they are definitely colluding against him for sinister reasons that remain unclear.
Perkins, 29, reported that upon walking into his bedroom one afternoon, he discovered both of his pet cats engaged in what could only be described as “something weird”.
“It was like I interrupted a conversation, or something,” Perkins recounted. “As soon as I went into the room to get a sweater, they both just stopped whatever the hell they’d been doing and stared at me. Pretty much until I left.”
Perkins went on to cite numerous irregular and “spooky” occurrences involving the two cats, including accusing glances, inexplicably cagey and evasive behaviour, and what can only be described as “thinly veiled contempt” from the two felines.
Having adopted the two cats at different points over the past decade, Perkins seemed struck by at how quickly his life came under the ominous spectre of feline manipulation. Perkins described repeated incidents wherein one of the cats sat quietly on his bed while he is asleep, eventually startling him awake, before sneezing and then moving silently into the living room.
Throughout the interview, Perkins became increasingly agitated by a lit desk lamp that he swore he “did not remember turning on”.
“I mean, people always joke about how ‘aloof’ cats are, but I seriously think they’re getting ready to murder me in my sleep, or least steal one of my kidneys. But they’re cats. That’s crazy, right?”
“Right?”
Reached for comment, Muffy yawned, scratched the sofa, then turned and walked with her counterpart Milo into a darkened closet, where the pair remained for several hours.
As of press time, Perkins was nervously rechecking his MasterCard balance while two pairs of glowing eyes stared at him from the darkened closet.
