Earth starts new orbit around sun with clean slate, colossal hangover - The Beaverton

Earth starts new orbit around sun with clean slate, colossal hangover

A TINY SPECK IN THE MILKY WAY – Bouncing back from the previous night’s festivities, Planet Earth is excited to begin its new revolution just as soon as she recovers from a splitting headache.

The blue planet claims that she is just about ready to tackle any problem thrown at her, including economic, environmental, biological, social and political challenges, but first she needs to “take it easy for a few hours.”

“I have big plans for the coming year,” said the third planet from the Sun before downing an entire bottle of Gatorade. “I’ll try to reduce the bloodshed and starvation, bridge class divides and become less polluted… But I’m a little dizzy right now, so let me just close my eyes for a few minutes.”

Sources say that Earth is uncertain as to what the new year will bring, but that she’ll try to “stay on course” and “keep on spinning” as it has for the past four-and-a-half billion years.

“I won’t end up like Pluto,” said Earth before throwing up a little bit.