MALMO, SWEDEN – Canada’s Junior Hockey team celebrated long into the night after their stunning victory over having to endure the humiliation of appearing in a third place medal ceremony. Popping bottles of champagne in the dressing room, amid cheers and roughhousing, the young men took in the spoils of the game that brought them to the highest point of mediocrity.
“Whoo! Besides gold this was the best result we could have hoped for,” said an ecstatic Josh Morrissey, who scored Canada’s lone goal.
“I’m super relieved! All last night I dreaded having to come home to my family with the weighty burden of that hideous bronze medal around my neck, expected to show it off for the rest of my life like a scarlet letter. At least this way I will be able to live this down and forget any of this ever happened,” he said.
“This was a team effort all the way,” said centre Jonathan Drouin.
“We all agreed that it would seem suspicious if we didn’t get at least one goal. We practiced for hours, just to make sure it looked like we were really trying out there.”
Zachary Fucale, the team’s Goalie, made the difference for the Canadians as he made 30 saves and convincingly allowed 2 goals from the Russian team, but he too felt the the need to credit his team mates.
“When Matt Dumba and I got the first goal off his skate into our own net it was easily one of my proudest personal achievements in my performance as an athlete,” said Fucale.
At press time, the nation was collectively agreeing to pretend Canada was still in the midst of a 5 year gold medal streak.
