WINNIPEG – After exhaustively skimming the entire craft beer menu at neighborhood bar the Wheat Sheaf, 31-year-old jagoff Craig Benson eventually ordered the exact same beverage as his companion – a decision which would have easily saved all involved several unbearable minutes.
Sources reported the insufferable tool wasted everyone’s valuable time pretending to compare and comprehend the entire craft beer menu. According to Benson’s friend, Jesse Wilmer, 30, the wiener in question made numerous comments such as “are there any fruity lagers” and “ooh, do you have any German stouts” – comments which made it painfully obvious to all that Benson didn’t know the first thing about beer.
Benson apparently made a “big show” of reading and then loudly discussing each individual lager, pilsner, and pale ale, before abdicating his decision and revealing himself for the fraud that all had previously inferred he was. No one interviewed could even begin to speculate as to what possessed Benson, a legal clerk and brutal human being, to waste so much time on a decision that he obviously had no significant personal stake in.
As the process dragged into its fifteenth minute, noted dillweed Benson attempted to engage their obviously annoyed server. “Hmm… what beers do you like here” Benson was heard asking, perhaps in a feeble gambit to cover his own lack of knowledge.
Reached for comment, the visibly frazzled server recounted the entire excruciating ordeal. “He asked me about the Hop Maniac, and kept trying to make conversation about ‘why there’s so much hops in beer these days’,” stated Tyler Gammon. “Seriously, I just wanted to punch him in the face and shove a Budweiser down his stupid throat. Like he’d taste the goddamn difference.”
“Pretty much right away I ordered a pint of the Rock Creek Ale. It’s a nice middle-of-the-road beer,” recounted Wilmer. “I have no idea what Craig was trying to prove by studying the entire goddamn menu. We could’ve even saved money and gotten a pitcher if he’d gotten his shit together.”
“What a nard.”
At press time the horse’s ass in question was seen finishing his second pint of the Rock Creek Ale, loudly complimenting the “nutty finish” that the IPA most certainly does not possess.