TORONTO – representatives of the Toronto Police Association say that they are “shocked” and “saddened” that Constable Babak Andalib-Goortani has been found guilty in the brutal assault of G20 protester Adam Nobody.
“All that Constable Andalib-Goortani did was use a telescopic baton to repeatedly beat a restrained man who had just been punched multiple times and kneed in the face,” said Police Union President, Mike McCormack. “And all of a sudden he’s being convicted of a crime? What kind of country are we living in?”
McCormack went on to say that Justice Louise Botham’s ruling was part of a disturbing trend, and as a result, Torontonians might soon find themselves living in a city where the police weren’t allowed to “straight-up murder mentally disturbed teenagers whenever the hell we feel like it.”
“Mister Nobody deserved what he got; he said some very hurtful things to us when we shattered his cheekbone and broke his nose for no fucking reason,” said Inspector Gerald Cashman, one of the officers who took the stand in defence of Andalib-Goortani. “I know a thing or two about the misuse of language, too; I toed the line of perjury at the trial!”
Although many Torontonians have come out in favour of the verdict, some others think that Andalib-Goortani was only living up to the Toronto Police Services motto: “To Serve and Indiscriminately Bludgeon Society’s Most Downtrodden and Marginalized.”
At press time, McCormack was seen approaching Justice Botham’s chambers with a telescopic baton. “We intend to ‘appeal’ the verdict, if you know what I mean,” McCormack said.