TORONTO – A shocking announcement made earlier this week by recently single astronomer Dr. Larry Gradenfeld claims the discovery of a new planet in the Eagle Nebula that could potentially support his ex-wife, Dora Gradenfeld.
“As you can see, the planet, which I’ve come to call XSUX, is almost 7-billion kilometres from any star and never rises above -150 Celsius, which would be perfect for keeping Dora’s icy heart at optimal temperature,” explained Dr. Gradenfeld. “Truly we have found something remarkable out there.”
Gradenfield added there may be some benefits to him as well. The new planet and its lack of Bed Bath and Beyond stores will also prevent Dora from spending thousands of her husband’s research grants on creams and moisturisers that all smell like a dying flower. The requirement to constantly be in a full space suit will also eliminate the need for daily trips to Holt Renfrew.
With the discovery of the new planet, a crack team of scientists has been assembled to determine whether the planet is only habitable to Dora or if in fact any ex-wife could be sustained. “We’ve surmised that the planet was originally formed from a moon which, after many years of happy orbiting, escaped the gravitational pull of its planet, probably citing the need for ‘a break’,” said Dr. Stobes, Gradenfeld’s partner on the project, “we can only guess at this point but it appears that the pull of a younger and richer planet was responsible for the original split although it seems that cuckolding bastard has since disappeared, leaving XSUX very, very, very alone.”
“Serves her right,” added Gradenfeld.
Shortly after the paper’s publication, Gradenfield received a manic phone call from actor Tom Cruise, who demanded to know how quickly transport could be arranged for his ex Katie Holmes, and if XSUX was the planet Xenu came from.
with files by Aaron Hagey-Mackay and Jacob Duarte Spiel