OTTAWA – Sources indicate Mike Duffy has finally managed to convince Bev Oda to execute one final daring heist before giving up crime for good.
“C’mon, Bev, I’ve got this all planned down to the second,” Duffy reportedly told the former cabinet minister over the phone, “the taxpayers won’t even know what hit them. $16 orange juice? That’s nothing. We’ll be kicking up our heels with $60 guava juice. Yeah, fresh-squeezed.”
Oda has been spotted cooling her heels in Mexico, reportedly enjoying retirement except for a nagging ache for big money and bigger excitement.
“All we have to do is filibuster the RCMP funding bill, force through the poison pill legislation before helping Park-Foo Yung out of the suitcase,” explained Duffy, “of course it’s crazy. So crazy it might just work.”
Insiders say that Oda is just the latest member of a team, codenamed “The Expense-ables”, that Duffy has been secretly collecting since early-January. Other members include “master of disguise” Mac Harb, combat expert and smooth-talking ladies man Patrick Brazeau and getaway driver Pamela “Wheels” Wallin. The heist promises to be one of the all-time great capers in Canadian political history.
“She’s in,” said Duffy to his assembled team as he unrolled a large, heavily marked blueprint of the Parliament building, “if Oda can’t crack the expense accounts safe then nobody can.”
“We all know Oda’s the best,” insiders report Wallin saying, “but how do you plan on getting this past that hard-ass [Minister of Finance Jim] Flaherty?”
“Flaherty?” said Duffy, reportedly taking a long drag on his hand-rolled cigarette, “who do you think planned this whole thing?”
