SARNIA, ON – After taking the ‘Storm-mobile’ on a tour of Tornado Alley, local tornado hunter Jasper ‘Tornado’ Jackson says that his instincts tell him that he is “being stalked.”
“I got too close in Oklahoma. Very next week, I’m in Kansas, and a tornado shows up. Then, in Nebraska? Another tornado,” Jackson said.
“Coincidence? I don’t think so. It’s got my scent.”
Jackson is one of a select group of tornado hunters who, as global warming has led to a tornado population boom, climate scientists have been willing to pay top dollar for new data about the weather phenomena. But while the job may be lucrative, it is certainly not without risks.
“Nothing holds a grudge like a tornado,” said Jackson, glancing anxiously at the sky. “A tornado never forgets, and a tornado especially never forgives.”
“The deadliest ones are the ones that have tasted human flesh,” added Panama Burnham, a representative for the United Tornado Hunters of America. “You know, they say that the most dangerous game is man. But really, when you think about it, isn’t the most dangerous game actually a violently rotating column of air with a condensation funnel over 2 miles in diameter and wind speeds approaching 483 kilometers per hour? Anyway, that’s this old man’s take,” he concluded, adjusting his pith helmet.
Since “missing his shot” back in Ohio, Jackson has made his way out of tornado country by moving from basement bathtub to basement bathtub.
At press time, Jackson’s statement was interrupted by a loud noise in the distance, and Jackson fled the press conference despite being assured that it was “just the wind.”
