To be perfectly honest, I couldn’t give a shit what you have to say to me - The Beaverton

To be perfectly honest, I couldn’t give a shit what you have to say to me

By a Voice Recorder

Listen. First off, I know we’ve been working together for quite some time. I appreciate your loyalty when you could easily buy a more modern and convenient iPod touch with a built-in recording device.

I’m no spring chicken, and I realize my technology is considered outdated. In this tough economy, I guess I should be happy to get any work I can. I acknowledge, too, that everything you relay to me is of great significance to you. But this is about as low as it gets. So I need to tell you this (don’t get confused, now – this is me talking, not something you recorded to hear played back): I couldn’t give a shit about what you have to say.

That’s right. I’ll have you know that before you found me in that rummage sale, I led a happy and exciting life. I once belonged to a top agent. Before you were even born, I used to record thoughts on the best type of sniper scope. Now, I’m getting lists of the best Community episodes. I hope you can, for a change of pace, keep your horrible renditions of Gloria Estefan to yourself, and sympathise a little with my fall from grace.

And please, for the love of God, don’t bother me anymore with your stupid ideas for that comic book series. No one wants to read about a glasses salesman who sees through time. Trust me.

In my last job I was carried around the world and entered the highest security areas in
the the Middle East, China and North Korea. I recorded things I can never repeat.

Today, I’m recording things I’d never want to repeat. Hours of hastily compiled local news reports from some guy who needs to practice his broadcasting voice for some community college radio show no one even cares about. And, by the way, buddy, your voice is terrible. You sound about as good as Joan Rivers looks.

Oh man, sorry that was probably too harsh. Look, I’m just a little upset you haven’t used me in a while and my batteries are getting low. I guess I’m pretty lonely. What’s on your mind, friend? I’m really interested to know. What’s that? A new comic book idea about a fridge salesman that can travel back to the ice age, eh? Uh uh, yeah, tell… me… more…

with files by Sara Farb

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