CORNWALL, ON – Tim Hortons closed its only Cornwall branch earlier this week, causing locals to suddenly realize how terrible their hometown is.
“I don’t think we can recover from this kind of blow,” said gas station attendant and former town mayor Jeanne Gavicks. “Frankly, their sugary pastries were the only thing holding this community together.”
“Sure, before this, our unemployment rate was 30%, and the middle school had become one of the largest methamphetamine distribution centres in the province, but we could always Roll Up the Rim to take our minds off our troubles. Now I have to ask myself, do I really want my daughters to grow up in a town without a Timmy’s?”
Other residents expressed concerns that things might get even worse. Ronald Dwaton of Peach Street stated, “right now, we’re all just praying that a Coffee Time doesn’t open here.”
