COMPTON, LA – Following the release of a tell-all exposé that surfaced earlier this week, leaders of the revered street gang the Crips are under investigation for insider ganging.
In the exposé, printed in Sunday’s issue of The Compton Chronicle, the anonymous author accuses gang leaders of numerous insider ganging practices ranging from dealing drugs using classified information, fixing stock prices, and misleading shareholderz.
“This is an outrage,” said Denarius Morris, current Crips Vice President of Strategy. “We have always adhered to the gangster code and conducted our illegal activities with the utmost levels of honesty and integrity. These accusations are libel and I intend to fight them to the death.”
The scandal broke last week when heroin prices were at an all time high. What was initially perceived as a market boom was actually a textbook case of stock overvaluation. Crips executives, eager to unload their excess stock, told drug dealers that there had “never been a better time to push heroin.” The misinformed peddlers took their word and purchased at a record pace. Days later, smack plummeted leaving the common dealer wondering what to do with the now worthless product.
“I’m shocked,” said long time Crips staff member Mad Dog Taylor. “As a faithful employee, I have to trust the word of my superiors. What do I do now? I can’t feed my kids with heroin.”
In total, gang leaders made over $200 million selling worthless stocks to their own dealers in less than a week. The rich got richer, and another bubble burst in today’s already tenuous economic landscape.
“We are a respected organization with a rich and strong history,” Morris insisted in an official statement. “Yes, we have bust lots of caps in the last 50 years, but they were caps that deserved to be bust. I am committed to upholding the scruples that come with leading one of America’s oldest gangs and will buy back heroin at current market value.”
The gesture is intended to restore company loyalty, but with fluctuating demand and record low prices, it may not be enough to avoid massive layoffs of mid-level thugs and cronies. Jamal Teasdale, 17, is one of many young men drawn to the business due to its high starting salaries, incentive-based compensation, and generous dental plan. A lifetime trouble maker and underachiever, he was headhunted by the Crips recruiting team upon dropping out of middle school.
“Starting salary? First job I made $400 to rough up a guy at a bowling alley if that’s what you’re asking,” said the once rising star struggling with the question of what to do next. ”I better not lose this job. I thought I’d be doing this until the ripe old age of 29.”
Morris insists that things will go back to “ganging as usual” just as soon as The Compton Chronicle whistleblower is taken care of.
“Regarding the one who made these baseless accusations against our firm, we intend to follow standard industry protocol: fit him with a nice pair of concrete loafers and throw him in the East River… Just as soon as we get the proper permits from the city.”
