I'm the Champ: Don't be so fat, OK? - The Beaverton

I’m the Champ: Don’t be so fat, OK?

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I was talking to a fat guy the other day and he was saying he wanted to be skinny like me. I told him he’s not so fat (you have to do that, BE CIVILIZED ABOUT FAT PEOPLE, OK?).

This guy said he wanted to get a gym membership, and then probably do Atkins diet.

I didn’t say anything about that because it was Amanda’s party and I didn’t want to tell that fat guy he was a dummy.

But he was a dummy. If you want to lose weight and look really good, you just have to follow Jeff “The Champ” Morton’s daily routine. No tricks, no money, (unless you got some, I am short rent this month). Just RESULTS.

1pm – Wake up, make instant coffee in pot because I broke the kettle (sorry Gareth!)

2pm – Watch TV for a bit

5pm – Go outside probably to the beer store, but maybe also some candy, like sour keys or whatever

6pm – Video games (notice I haven’t eaten yet except sour keys which are too sour to eat a lot of)

8pm – Healthy snack (rice krispy square, milk, maybe bowl of kraft dinner)

9pm – Meet Gareth and Will for drinking at a bar

2am – Too drunk! Time to go home. Hungry and want to get hot dog but no money.

Want to take transit home, but no money. Walk home.

3am – Get home after hour walk. Not bad exercise, hey? Pass out.

NEXT DAY 1pm – Do it all again.

If you look at my day I only eat like 200 calories and I burn off maybe 3000, so I’m doing good. Plus my legs look good, and I pretty much feel good whenever the hangover stops (sometimes it won’t, just start drinking again).

So be more healthy. Don’t listen to fad diets and whatever, just do what The Champ does, and you’ll be fine, fat guy!

You’re welcome,


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