SAN JOSE, COSTA RICA -- After a dramatic majority victory in today’s provincial election, Premier-elect Brian Pallister of Manitoba gave a moving acceptance speech from his tropical beachfront property in Costa Rica.
As beautiful and inspiring as these Canadian destinations are, they still don’t have access to wifi, which ruins the entire experience.
OTTAWA - Earlier today, Prime Minister Justin Trudeau reaffirmed his support for feminism, and for making billions of dollars in the sales of military supplies to despotic regimes, in an hour-long press conference punctuated by repeated cheers and applause.
ATTAWAPISKAT - Following the declaration of a state of emergency over recent suicide attempts in the remote First Nation settlement, the Canadian government has wasted no time airlifting in an urgent shipment of committee reports, strategy memorandums, and “Mental Wellness Continuum Frameworks”.
OTTAWA -- A poll released today on the NDP leadership race shows that a hardcover copy of Naomi Klein’s bestselling books in hardcover, ‘The Shock Doctrine: The Rise of Disaster Capitalism’, is currently ahead in the race to replace Thomas Mulcair.
OTTAWA - In a bold move, finance minister Bill Morneau has announced that all of the Liberal government’s new social programming will be paid for personally by the tax dollars of Uncle Roy.
OTTAWA - The Conservative Party expressed outrage this morning that Prime Minister Justin Trudeau was not one of the many world leaders recently exposed by the Panama Papers as having a private offshore bank account.
OTTAWA -- Reports have come in that after toweling off his rippling yoga abs, Justin Trudeau gracefully picked up his eco-friendly mat and set your body ablaze by whispering “Namaste” sensually in your ear.
GEORGE TOWN, CAYMAN ISLANDS -- The Canada Revenue Agency re-registered its agency’s location offshore to the Cayman Islands last month in a move high-level civil servants are hoping will save the Canadian government hundreds of millions in legal fees and labour.
EDMONTON -- Although the party lost 51 seats and earned less than 20 percent of the popular vote in the recent federal election, the NDP faithful can create their own alternate reality where that didn’t happen thanks to virtual reality showcased at this year’s party convention.
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