NEW YORK – As yet another news cycle confirms that extreme wealth functions as a force field against accountability, the discourse has evolved. We’re no longer debating whether to eat the rich; w…
Tag: money
Recession Indicator? Pizza delivery man sick of getting paid in blowjobs
OTTAWA – If pizza deliveryman Rick Pounder could say one thing to all Ottawans, it would be to stop giving him blowjobs. “It used to happen only once every other week, but now I’m up to tw…
CEO blames current round of layoffs on record profits
TORONTO – After another quarter of rapid growth and impressive profits, Amazon’s CEO Jeff Bezos has announced the company must immediately do another round of layoffs. The announcemen…
Maximise your RRSP contribution by distracting your banker and then changing a bunch of numbers on their computer
TORONTO – As another tax season approaches, financial experts suggest that the best way to prepare for retirement is to sneak a bunch of new numbers into your bank’s database and hope for the bes…
Economy stalls as Canada Post strike prevents grandmothers from mailing birthday money
OTTAWA – The ongoing Canada Post strike has impacted the ability of grandmothers across the nation to send you “a few dollars” on your birthday, which has been discovered to be …
“Not All Billionaires!” says billionaire Mark Cuban
Dallas, Texas —Amid growing concerns about the influence of the ultra-wealthy, billionaire Mark Cuban has issued a heartfelt plea via the jumbotron at the Dallas Mavericks stadium, “Not all billi…
Transparent plots to buy votes are cynical, effective, political scientists find
OTTAWA, ON ― A new survey of political scientists found broad consensus that financial giveaways are a both arrogant and very successful strategy to curry the favour of voters too shortsighted to…
Jesus announces even he can no longer save in this economy
PARADISE, NS ― In a new testament to the widespread challenges of inflation, Jesus Christ has admitted that he is really no longer in a position to save these days. “I used to devote my life to t…
CRA knows home office being used for non-work purposes, you fucking liar
OTTAWA — The Canada Revenue Agency confirmed this week that it is fully aware you’ve been using your home office for non-work purposes, you fucking liar. “Do you think we’re stupid? Are we just c…
Toronto Police advise banks to leave big pile of money at the door to avoid being robbed
TORONTO – In response to a growing rash of armed robberies throughout the city, Toronto Police advised Canada’s banks to leave a big pile of money at the door of every branch to avoid being…
