WASHINGTON, DC – As rising tensions in the Persian Gulf bring renewed fears of rising oil prices, US Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth has reassured the nation that all US soldiers deployed to the region will be equipped with state-of-the-art silencers to avoid waking sleeping markets.
“We went to Iran to do one thing: win,” said a swaying Pete Hegseth, gripping both sides of his podium. “Or, actually, maybe we went there to liberate the Iranian people. Can’t remember which one we landed on. But now we’re going to do a second thing, which is to protect the American people from the economic impacts Iran is causing on purpose because we bombed them.”
Hegseth continued, “We’ve realized that the markets can’t respond to the war if they’re asleep while it’s happening. So we’ve been doing the war on weekends, mostly. But now we want to do war on weeknights, so we’re prepared to go one step further: we’re going to equip our soldiers – sorry, “war fighters” – with equipment so silent that the markets can’t possibly hear the war going on. Silencers on guns, silencers on tanks, warships that play lullabies at a frequency only the oil futures market can hear. This is what modern warfare looks like.”
“I mean, we’ve been messing with Yemen and South Sudan for like 20 years and the stock market’s haven’t cared at all,” said Hegseth. “So I’m pretty sure we’ve got this.”
When asked about Hegseth’s plan to minimize the economic impacts of the conflict, experts appeared skeptical.
“That’s their plan? Seriously? Oh, we’re so fucked,” said Dr. Elaine Newman, Professor of Economics at the University of Pennsylvania. “We’re so incredibly fucked. Well, cars and global supply chains were fun while they lasted, weren’t they? Honestly we shouldn’t even be sitting around talking about this, we should be out in the woods right now collecting firewood so we can maybe survive the coming winter.”
When asked what America plans to do if the stock market does wake up, the White House indicated that Turning Point USA CEO Erika Kirk would be deployed to soothe the stock market with her motherly presence by glaring at it until it goes back to sleep.
