Minister of Public Safety trumps progress of Aboriginals in prison basketball league
THUNDER BAY, ON – In the wake of reports that Aboriginals make up a disturbingly high percentage of prison inmates in Canada, Minister of Public Safety Vic Toews argued strongly that the Ab…
Researchers determine that brain damage causes MMA fights
MORGANSTOWN, VA – Researchers at the esteemed Brain Injury Research Institute have determined that brain injuries cause mixed martial arts fights. “Before starting their careers in fighting, most…
Ben Affleck starts new project detailing CIA’s battle at Vimy Ridge
BOSTON – Riding on the success of his Oscar-win with Argo, Ben Affleck has begun working on a new documentary detailing the heroic efforts of wartime CIA officers at France’s Vimy Ridge. “T…
Putin assures Russians that Space will pay for meteor attack
MOSCOW – Russian President Vladimir Putin assured the people of Russia today that Space, the all encompassing dark void comprised of billions of galaxies, supernovae, black holes and planets, wil…
Vatican green-lights ABC production of ‘Vatican’s Next Top Pope’
VATICAN CITY – Officials from the Roman Catholic church announced Monday that ABC has ordered twenty-four hour long episodes of Vatican’s Next Top Pope, a reality TV show documenting the se…
Haggis contains no horsemeat, reassures Scotland’s Food Board
EDINBURGH – Responding to public outcry and concern over the recent scandal involving traces of horsemeat found in UK beef products, Scotland’s Food Standards Agency released a statement to…
Garneau goes after Trudeau for saying ‘nothing about space’
OTTAWA- In a news conference earlier this week, Liberal leadership candidate Marc Garneau attacked current frontrunner Trudeau for trying to “land at 24 Sussex without properly configuring his on…
Woman stabs coworker over Downton Abbey spoilers
MISSISSAUGA – In reaction to hearing important plot elements from an unreleased episode of Downton Abbey, 56-year-old administrative assistant Deborah Dean lashed out at her company’s 22-year-old…
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